Being a millennial woman and in early 30’s from an upper middle class South Asian Family, I am not oblivion to the pressure of settling down and pop out tiny humans when I am in my right fertile window. But yes, thanks to the inner work of self-awareness and the hard spine I have managed to develop in past few years that I know the grounds which I stand for.

The agency of choosing a partner is no more a privilege with our generation, thanks to the improved literacy rate and lessening of intense parental control as the times have passed. But yes, I can speak this for the urban settlers, if I am to speak of the social scenario in India. The picture is quite grim in the rural close-knit communities where all the sources of inner validation and self-worth one derives is from one’s image in society.  

We all are victims of some sort of accidents; some go through accidents of birth and some accidents of life. Accidents of life are ruthless and no one really preps us in childhood what we are up to as we will grow up. As I always say, we all are products of our personal unique experiences and henceforth, are evolutionary and transformative in nature. Most of us if not all, have landed up in this dilemma and tussle of finding everlasting love and partnership but not wanting to let go of our autonomy and freedom, for the simple fear and belief that relationships bring bondage and yes, that attachment hurts.  

With increase in the mental and sensory exposures, the regular dopamine thrills of exploration, rise in individualism and less dependency on other humans, there is a departure from the idea of settling. Where I am a big proponent of self-awareness and maintenance of one’s own sense of self, it makes me wonder if relationships are actually abandonment of oneself or is there a healthy way to maintain balance?

The attributes like mutual physical and sexual attraction, intellectual chemistry, spiritual compatibility, alike and synced career paths, similar hobbies and interests are not enough to make it to the “couple of the year”. It all comes down to the emotional regulation and psychological bandwidth to let your guards down, to wanting to hold on to the connection, to be willing to think and have space beyond your immediate interests and finally, to have the patience to hold on and give space to the other person.

But, alas! As much as it looks good to be written in words in the paragraph above, we all have had experiences quite opposite to that. The trauma of betrayal, emotional and physical infidelity, physical and mental abuse, rejection faced in a long-term relationship, the influence of narcissistic clutches of walking demons etc, we all have been either victims of it or even inflicted the same in not so our best selves.

However, the complexities arising out of it has only led to the worsening of the system. The popular psychological debate of “Nature vs Nurture” comes into the picture here. As a sane, well-functioning individual of society, it becomes even more imperative for us to choose differently. Where certain damages can’t be undone, the long-solidified personality can’t be altered, it is always appreciated if we are aware about our instinctual choices and therefore opt the other path which is kinder and better.

The inability to sit with oneself in void, the hunger for cheap attention, the addiction towards outer stimulation, the uncontrollable urge of being chosen, the insecurity of not being enough, the unconscious belief system of not been able to be ever loved again, fear of vulnerability, fear of being hurt etc. prevents us from being our true self, opening our hearts and always escape in the next person/thing without truly being honest. The hypervigilance and over the top sensitivity out of the trauma has unsettled our nervous system leading to blurring of reality clouded by emotional overwhelm.

The competitive world, the high work high return situation, the egoic boost of performance based acceleration in career has only taken us far away from feeling our real feelings and escape in the world of materialistic returns. But mind you, matters of the heart can’t be healed through logic. It has certainly taken away the humanness from the approach we adopt towards the other person.

The Social Exchange Theory (SET) posits that individuals think about romantic relationships in terms of give and take. They try to give more benefits (like love, support and companionships) than costs (like conflict, effort, or stress). A relationship is likely to continue when it feels rewarding and fair, but may end if it feels like it takes more than it gives. It holds true to an extent but life isn’t always a score. Where the quintessential feeling of love takes time to develop, respect is a non-negotiable at human level at every level of social exchange.

New age dating has made people treat other humans more as objects of ego satisfaction than anything else. The element of genuine admiration and care seems to be absent. And to say the least, the trend of dating and matrimonial apps, if not worsened, has certainly amplified the grim picture. The trust deficit of the platforms along with lack of accountability and responsibility arising from the lack of value system and unhealed trauma, has only made us resort to actions of easy getaway like ghosting and breadcrumbing. And mind you, this itself is only aggravating and solidifying the already existing wounds in a not so good manner.

The ‘Savior syndrome’ in relationships works in both ways. We can also call it classic case of mutual codependency. Where one waits for another person to ride down from an angelic realm to rescue/save/heal them, there is another posit, where the person wants to be the rescuer and give the other person so much of affection and love, for their source of self-esteem and worth is dependent on validation sought by being wanted and to be felt needed in the capacity of a rescuer/ selfless warrior. This intense see-saw is mostly witnessed in the pull-chase dynamic of an unhealed empath and a narcissist. Both the extremities work arising out of not so healthy development of nervous system responsible for emotional regulation.

The popular maxim of “Hurt people hurt people”, seems to hold ground here. But again, how does one know if they have healed? How much healing is enough healing? What if in attempts to heal, one ends up getting more bruised, for its life? Well, there holds only one answer to this, inculcation of one’s life style based on the principles of profound life philosophy like Buddhism, Sanatana, Advaita or any religious teachings with basis as core humanism and not fanaticism. The development of basic empathy without compromising on one’s boundaries, honoring the divinity present in other along with yourself, shall only make the world a better place.

Where trauma spares no one, but operating from the space of fear and wanting to liberate oneself with revenge, high body counts, unrestricted fulfilment of sexual urges, impulsive need of gratification, feeding on other’s attention to distract us from older wound is only leading to a more complex dynamics in the dating market. At times, the actions taken are also the result of unconscious programming and inbuilt personality disorders by birth, but then again, the onus is on the few aware individuals to function at their best to be empathetic in their action and communication as well as be on guard with oneself.

Speaking from the personal experience, the relationships where one partner is still managing and maneuvering from the past wounds and complexities of the previous relationships, there appears to be construction of half-baked relationships than the fuller ones based on integrity and love. There is fragment of attention, coupled with inability to be honest, fear of abandonment and pressure of not wanting to come as too much.

But again, barring all the analysis-paralysis which one goes through, it’s only one’s capacity to tolerate and the boundaries they make for themselves that helps them choose what is healthy and good for them. To conclude, a wounded soul will attract another wounded soul. The one in paradise would surely be suitable for heaven.